The Great Saddness.

I did it. I read old messages from someone I once knew. I should’ve just deleted them quick before I had time to rethink my decision but I DIDN’T. I wish I would’ve just deleted them and shut my mind off. Ever wonder why someone has to leave? Was it in God’s plan or did I just mess that up?? Was it just life that tore you apart or was it destiny?? Was it right or was it wrong?? After reading the many old messages my heart began to ache like it did when it first happened. I remember where I was, what I had one, even how my hair was. I don’t want to remember. I wish I could erase it all there’s no need for me to remember. I wish this person didn’t have to leave. Tonight I’m going to have to just deal with some hurts I once again buried away. How do you shut someone out?? Is it even right to shut someone out?? What if they told you to let them go?? Is it still the right thing to do???

As I was reading the words one by one each one pierced my heart especially the line "come on in to my heart, find a place, a special place where you will never have to worry about me ever not desiring you. Come on in to the window of my soul...where it’s reserved to God, my family and that special someone. Come on in to my life, because I want you there, I long for you there and I need you there.” How does someone say those things then pick up and leave?? After reading a few messages that were a “happy time” I found the ones that were the “sad times” One day you’re telling me how you love me then the next day you say I got to be a friend and let you go?? I know it wasn’t real but how does someone fake so well??? If everything was a lie and a figment of imagination then how did everything seem so real that was said?? When someone says they want the same things usually your able to believe that. I believed that. I was the idiot who believed it. I feel used, disrespected, not important. But then supposed to act like it’s all good?? I’m expected to get over it and brush it under the rug so no one finds out. That’s cool I can push it under the rug but unlike some I can’t fake my emotions that well. I can’t fake that my hearts broken. I wasn’t worth enough for you to make things right. That’s okay.

You open your heart to someone and one day it’s there and another it’s just gone. I want to say I miss those days but I can’t really say that because apparently it wasn’t real so I’m missing a lie. I just don’t get how it could’ve been a lie. But it’s easier to get past if I tell myself it was a lie, that it was a typical guy, that it was a crutch to lean on while your problems were waiting to be fixed. My heart just hurts tonight and I should’ve just not read the messages but I did and now I have to get my emotions out somehow.

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Elise said...

Hello, I just wanted to stop by and leave you a comment to say how much I've enjoyed reading your blog today. You posts are excellent and your pictures, well, they perfectly match your writing.

Best wishes & thank you for sharing them...

Big d said...

I understand how hard letting go is. Sometimes I dwell on the past, a little too much at times to tell the truth. Some how or another you got to let go. Y'all be ok Kayla.

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