Who are you?

Hi friends :) Tonight is one of those nights where I have SO MANY different things I want to talk about. I have all these topics and I cannot for the life of me pick one so I’m just going to speak on what I am feeling right now. Over these last few months a lot of things seem to be shifting in my life. I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad, I’ve been mad, I’ve been confused, I’ve been excited, I’ve been proud but at times I also felt a little empty. Tonight a word was spoken at church and it brought all of these feelings up. So I had a long ride home to think on what was said and what I’ve been feeling and then had a family talk over coffee and whatever else we could find to eat or drink lol

We were talking about why we think the church is sometimes given the stereotype as “Hypocrites” and why people who have left the church and don’t attend anymore say it’s "because they were hurt by “church people" I’ve always argued the point that throughout my years of being in the church I have been hurt a lot. I’ve been let down, done wrong and disappointed but I also know that church people are still human. We are not some robot who is programmed to perfection!!! Come on let’s just be real for a minute. We as Christians mess up just like everyone else but there is forgiveness and mercy and love IF we have a REAL RELATIONSHIP with God. Because when we do not have a strong foundation of God it is easier to walk away from church and a relationship because it wasnt rooted. Otherwise, we look for mercy and forgiveness from our friends of course these are needed but when the friends are put on a pedestal higher than God there needs to be some rearranging. Like everyone else we can be hypocrites sometimes too. BUT for me, I will not keep this stereotype alive. I’m not going to be another statistic of people in the church who are hypocrites or people who walked away from God because of the church. How dare we put the church as a meter to our relationship and trust in God. I feel like in my life right now I’m kinda alone. I have people around me but not feeling surrounded. I don’t believe it’s my friends fault but I believe this is a season where God is calling me to draw near to him. That no matter what happens with people that I will not be moved. I didn’t think I was ever one of those “people” who seem to find my happiness in the people who surrounded me with. I think it’s perfectly natural to find joy in your friends I mean what kind of friendship would it be if there was no joy?!!? But I’m speaking about finding joy when no one else is around. I’m speaking about finding rest when people have walked out. I’m speaking about finding your strength when no one is beside you holding you up. I’m speaking about feeling love when no one is showing you. I’m speaking about feeling the authenticity of God when everything around you seems artificial. And don’t get me wrong I’m not just speaking about the 4 walls of a church I’m talking about in everyday life with everyday people, I hate to break it to people but this problem is not just in the church but it’s not just in the world either.

I’ve always said that I know who I am no one can move me on that. I’ve been through a lot and had some rough times but always said because of those things it made me who I am. I believe it did but do I know who it made me??? I know seems like a contradictory statement but think about it. I say “The things I’ve been through made me who I am today” but what happens when you find out after saying that like a rehearsed line for an upcoming play you really don’t know who it has made you??? Who are you really??? I can say that I am a woman with dark brown hair with length that changes frequently as well as a style that changes. I’m 5’3 but in my mind 5’6 lol but that’s not telling you a whole lot you don’t already know is it?? Who am I really?? What am I about? What do I believe what do I not believe? Those are questions I thought I knew so well but these past few weeks Gods allowed me to see that maybe some situations in my life happened and relationships didn’t work out because I didn’t know who I was completely yet. I probably based who I was one who loved me, who wanted to hang, who wanted to have lunch with me. But what happened when those people walked out?? I didn’t know who I was. I now can sit back and say Ok lets figure out me!!! Let’s talk and figure out who I am and be secure in that so that when things come my way I am not moved. I’m not basing my identity on a guy or on a best friend or on a job title the list can go on. But this may seem like I’m rambling and I am but that’s okay!!! Because for me. This is me finding who “me” really is. But its soooo much easier if your source of identity comes from God. My source of joy, my source of trust, my source of security, my source of love, my source of mercy and understanding. God is the same yesterday today and in the future he does not change so if I build the essence of who I am from him I am the same yesterday. Today and in the future I will not be moved. A lot of people who I have met don’t look to God as a loving God but as a lightening striking flood giving beat you when you mess up kinda God. To me, it’s sad and I wish I could do something to make them see he is a God of LOVE!!! He loves you and he will love you better than anyone can. It’s not temporal its an everlasting love who is there through the up’s and the downs and guess what you don’t have to always have it all together for God to love you! Isn’t that amazing? He loves our imperfections because they make us who we are!!!

When you have a scar there usually is a story behind the scar. I have many scars with a story behind them but if I always covered them with makeup or clothes or smiles then you would probably never be honest with yourself which is a key and then never be honest with the people around you who can maybe finding healing in the story of your scars. God wants us to be real with him because when we can’t be real with him we then cannot be real with ourselves and then cannot be real with others. I always felt like my life always seemed to be some open book to the public and it sometimes annoyed me and made me feel just plain angry but I’m learning that it was the best thing for me because I then had nothing to hold back and hide because I was being real. Now am I saying tell every stranger you meet all your flaws and things you’ve done? NO and I think enough of you can read this and find the actual “message” I am trying to give you without me going into detail if not, email me and we’ll have a lil chit chat lol

I know this is long but I want to leave with this thought. Allow God to take the hurts, the disappointments, the sadness , the anger, The _________ (you fill in the blank) and heal you of it because through that healing you will find life, you will find who he says you are!!! You then will have your story to tell someone else so that they can maybe find a source of strength and realize who they are and that they cannot be moved no matter what may come their way. Make God your center. Make God your source of things hoped for and things needed. He won’t let you down !!!

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CrisLyric said...

Okay Kayla so I read this the other day and read it again tonight...its very enlightening because I'm going through a personal battle right now regarding my thoughts of religion.
Your relationship with God is warming to my heart.

Kayla said...

Thank you. I had to get to the place of figuring out why I believed what I believed and was it truth to me. I was brought up in the church so Ive always "heard" what we believe but had to finally get to a place of asking myself "Do I believe what I say I believe??" Thats when I realized that not only do I believe what I say I do but its an everyday relationship not just religion. Its different for everyone. I will pray clarity for you on this subject what helped me was to know its about a relationship not religion :)

CrisLyric said...

I understood completely what you were saying and it makes a lot of sense...
And thanks for the prayer. I have a lot of questions and other mixed feelings about it that I'm taking the time to address and find understanding within.

Kayla said...

Yea take them as they come you dont have to tackle them all over night lol that was my problem just take it a day at a time!

Under Construction said...

Amen Kayla that was beautifully written...God is Amazing and Loves us unconditionally. I was just recently saved...and my life has radically changed...For the past couple weeks I have been a mess trying to come to terms with it all but I have been taking it one day at a time and learning day by day and as each day comes I get closer and closer to God and Love him more. I feel truly blessed. God Bless you. ~Lindsey

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