Calling a Dreamer

“People turn to God when things go bad”

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:31:00 +0000

“People turn to God when things go bad”

That’s the sentence I heard tonight and it sparked something in me. Why do we wait for the worse sometimes??? If we believe in God and believe he can do a miracle because we are going to God why do we still wait until things are soooo bad that we can’t go anywhere else????

For me, there was a point in my life where if life was good, friends were great and growing in numbers, school was going good, I had some extra cash and I felt oh so needed by people I was ok, I talked to God but I didn’t really TALK to God I just said my morning prayer (if I didn’t forget) and went on with my day. I loved him, I really did. But I didn’t give him that time you do when you’re in a relationship with someone. Then one day reality hit me and situations I was in turned bad, friends left, school went downhill and suddenly I was in a place where I never thought I would be. It for one taught me the importance of a DAILY relationship with God and also to not be so quick to judge because that thing you so willingly took time to judge and analyze could knock on your door one day. But I didn’t get really serious with my relationship until a few years back when things got dark, when I was in situations I needed out of but had nowhere to turn because I ALLOWED myself to believe a lie that it was too big to share, that people would shun me and say “I told you so”. I remember how I finally surrendered when it was too dark to see. When all the avenues shut down. Whether it was guys, friendships or quick fixes. I was in a dark place that made me finally quit being bull headed and just surrendered. Why did I wait?? Well after thinking about it, I think I waited because I wanted to be in charge of my life because in my mind, it would be so much better. I could make things work out and if they didn’t fix them quick. I was wrong. Things went right when I let God take full control of my life, and when things went wrong I knew who to turn to for Guidance.

Why can’t we just surrender to him in the Good times and bad? I have never been more at peace in the “bad” times because I have a real relationship with God!!! When you have that open communication it eases so much fear, it takes away your pain, it validates you and it can comfort you in the worst of times and can comfort you in the best of times. I don’t have to wait to be at church to talk to him. I can do it wherever, whenever and however I want. I don’t have to sound like an English major I can just be Kayla with him, I can say words that don’t exist and say words wrong but he gets me!!!

This is an excerpt from a daily devotional I read and it really sums up what a daily communication means. “It's natural to turn to God when things go wrong-when you are in pain or when you are frightened or depressed. It's easy to turn to God in times of joy-at a birth or a wedding, or on a holiday. But making the commitment to open your heart up to God every single day is quite a challenge. There are days when we feel moved, and there are days when we feel nothing. All too often, daily prayer seems like a tedious burden. We want our experiences of prayer to be inspirational, exceptional, but daily prayer is rooted in the unspectacular routine of our lives. Daily prayer is a far more pleasant way to achieve the same goal. Taking the time to pray heightens our awareness of God's presence in our lives. It reminds us that God is constantly calling out to us. We are in a relationship with God every day whether we notice it or not. God is waiting for our response.”

Our deepest praise is not always on the mountaintops of life, sometimes they are in the deepest darkest valleys. But whether we are at the highest point in our lives or the lowest point. I pray that you will go to God in both situations. I pray that you will have that relationship that only you can understand, a relationship that fulfills every desire you have and can meet you wherever you are. God is waiting for your response.

able to trust again???

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 05:42:00 +0000

A broken trust relationship leads to hurt fear confusion and anger. Those feelings are real and reasonable and you're now cautious about trusting within close relationships. But by dismissing all close trusting relationships you're also closing the door to great joy and a fullness of life God intends for you. I know that seems a little extreme but this is my opinion and you can agree or disagree. The reason I believe this is because I have experienced it first hand. About a year ago something happened that really changed my perspective on "closing" people out. I thought I already learned my lesson on this a year ago but now I have to be reminded of this again .I was so frustrated on night and I was praying and pray and praying but not feeling an answer on the situation I was so adamantly praying about so my flesh kicked in and I was like "God!! Why am I not hearing you??!!!" As soon as that came out of my mouth I just heard this "Because, your plugging your ears."...I had no idea what that meant and the first picture that came to mind was when a little Kid is having a tantrum and don't wanna hear what someone is saying the hold their ears. I was like...okkk um explain please. I felt him say "your plugging your ears because thorough the years you have been hurt and the things people did or said about you went through your ears straight to your heart so now, you have closed people out so you wont have to deal with it but, in the meantime have shut me out as well." I know it seems like a harsh thing to hear but you guys, I felt it in the warmest way, no condemnation, no judgment just pure love. I finally realized that even though I didn't mean too but shutting myself out from everyone I unintentionally shut God out. Most likely, I did this because I didn't feel like dealing with the hurt just putting it on the back burner for another day.

I don't like feeling like a victim or portraying myself as one. I'm just like everyone else and everyone has been a victim to something. By this, I am referring to everything not just "crimes". It has been said that my parents have made us kids think we are victims?? Please step back because you don't know my life or what I've been through so please don't try to narrate my life story. I believe if you are honest with yourself you have gone through something that made you feel like your trust and faith in people was up for debate. If your like me, you been through enough heartaches to even care to allow people in because hey...in a few years your probably going to leave like everyone does. And guess what?? People do leave and move on, Its life. But theres ways you can go about it that will make the absence of the person(s) to not be negative. Sure, you'll miss them but when you think about them it wont be in a negative way. Now because this is life its not always going to be a great feeling when people leave. But we have to make sure we don't judge everyone by the last person, whether it was a good or bad situation you were in. After hurt or betrayal it is extremely tempting to withdraw into a shell in which we can no longer be hurt. In trusting no-one we feel that we are safe that we won't be hurt again. It is normal for this process to occur for a short while after a hurt has been dealt to us. For example, after the first few weeks or months after a break up we are naturally reluctant to date again. That is normal and to some extent healthy. We would not have made it very far as a species if we simply repeated actions which caused us to be harmed over and over again. I don't have this down pat yet, I still am dealing with learning to just trust! It can be hard but so important to get back to the place where you can trust. Yes we should guard our hearts but that doesn't always mean that we need to have a fortress around it and concrete poured all around it. Be smart about who and what you trust in.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

It isn't possible for even your closest friends to be totally trustworthy but someone else is -- Jesus Christ the Son of God. His love for you is overwhelming and led him to live a perfect life for all of us in this imperfect world. He knows all our sin and need for help. In love He lived, died and rose from the dead so all who place their trust in Him have forgiveness of sins and the perfection of heaven. While we have broken our trust relationship with Him. He will never fail us. We can trust Him. His love, His forgiveness and His help in every situation

Im amazed!!!

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:03:00 +0000

Man I cant get over how crazy these last few months have been in my life. Things have changed tremendously, good and bad. I was talking with my mom tonight and through these last few months Gods hand was really on me. Not that his hand isn't always on us but he had me covered even when my eyes were blinded. I'm amazed at his Grace and mercy and overall love for me!!!

I'm so unlovable at times. I really am, I don't deserve what I have but he still loves me at all times. I want to have that kinda love. I want to love unconditionally no matter how my flesh feels about the person or about the situation. God will show us in the smallest ways his love for us. I want to love him with all of my heart and have that love be seen by people. I want people to look at me and just know that I love him with all my heart. He has never ever let me down. Even when I didn't like how things were going, looking back they worked out perfectly and I thank God he didn't just give me what I wanted.

Not a lot to say tonight other than he is so Good and so amazing!!! He deserves all the praise and all the glory even when we dont feel like it, when we praise him chains fall off, our outcomes become brighter and we begin to move godward. No more looking back, we are not going back to where we used to be, how we used to be or what people said we were. We are moving forward fully aware that we are who he says we are!!!

pick up the pieces

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:11:00 +0000

I see Money come between my best friend and me
Old friends become new enemies
I’ve been Through character assassination
They tried to put this stick in between my wheels
But they can’t stop my motivation
Nothing will

I walk through the valley where the shadow of death is
I fear no evil ‘cause I’m protected

No weapon formed against me shall prosper
‘Cause I’m walking with the heavenly father
And I do believe that I’m gonna prosper
‘Cause I’m walking with the prayers of my mother

You won’t get the best of me
Even though you broke my heart
I’m gonna pick up the pieces
You won’t get the best of me
Even though you broke my heart
I’m gonna pick up the pieces
I’ve been Betrayed by the people I’ve trusted
I’ve been seriously disgusted

You can’t get the best of me
Cause of my destiny
Not to be less than me
But to be more
So don’t question me
I came and I conquered
I soared to new heights and still I explore
In my fight to survive
Lights still too bright
Keep my eyes on new sights
So when you try hurtin’ me, even desertin’ me
No but I’m designed to overcome adversity
Just wanna bring out the worst in me? It won’t happen
Cause I take responsibility for my action
My tenacity well it has to be everlastin’
Cause even when it comes to backstabbin’
I’m laughin'

You won’t get the best of me
Because by the grace of God
I’m gonna pick up the pieces’

God meets us at the shredding place

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:47:00 +0000

Ok so I’m finally writing a new blog, it’s been a minute but I’m back!

While I was at work tonight I was thinking about what I wanted to write on and most importantly if God wanted me to write on something specific. All night I couldn’t come up with anything because to be real honest my brain was just so wore out from these last couple of weeks. These past few weeks have been crazy, unpredictable, full of joy and full of sorrow. And tonight I felt like I just wanted to crawl up in Gods lap and have him hold me. I heard this phrase from a book and it has been in my mind for a few days " Meet God in the shredding place" When I heard it I was like okkkk why and what does that mean? We have these paper shredders to get rid of our personal information right? Well think about it your destroying papers you no longer have a need for. When we let things go we no longer have a need for those things. When we deal with little hurts that trip us up we no longer have a need to hold on to that information we know that made our hearts break. I know that people will come and people will go, sometimes Pain will engulf our heart, sometimes fear will take over, sometimes doubt will creep in but when those things happen where is the first place you wanna go??? For me when these things happen my first response is to shut down and shut people out because I don’t want to deal with anymore hurt. That’s a bad mechanism. I understand that and I’m working on it. I sometimes wish I could just literally sit down with God and just see him and be able to chat. Right now, I just need to sit down with God and tell him how I feel, tell him why I’m hurt or why I’m confused and what’s so awesome is I know I can do that with him. It helps when you go through valleys in your life to really know that he is there whenever you need him so meet God in the shredding room.

You know when things don’t work out the way we plan…when we’re handed loss while we are so hoping for luck...when our rewarding work suddenly collapses into rubble before us….when someone or something we love is taken from us…the light goes out of our lives. We may find ourselves lost, mad, sad, confused, and not able to understand why calamity has swept through our lives and dumped us in this sad, dark place that seems so far away from hope. We may think of what WE PLANNED and what has really happened instead. And if you’re like me, your heart will break and you will have questions like... Why me? Why now? Why this or why that?? Or how about the big one…WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS???

We go through things for a reason, I always heard the phrase “Everything happens for a reason” I believed that everything had a reason but what if that reason really sucked?? Lol what do I do with that how in the world do I learn from that?! Sometimes when I was going through things my vision was so clouded. I was walking and I couldn’t see a foot in front of me but looking back on the things I thought really sucked and didn’t understand why I had to go through it I realized that it was only added to who I am and to my story. I’ve realized that yes I may see some people walk away from me but I have a father who will always guide me and never leave me, Yes I may be having a hard time loving someone but my father shows me an example of unconditional love and yes my heart may be broken but my Father is the great physician who can heal anything!!! I am learning that all I have to do is cry out to God (“They cry to the Lord in their trouble, and he brings them out of their distress” Psalm 107:28) I believe that God will deliver us from our distress like he promises but sometimes that deliverance is within our hearts, where the pain of our circumstances has shredded our interior being.

God meets us at the shredding place. His deliverance may be simply to give us comfort in that place. His deliverance may be a lifting of our heads, of our spirits and an assurance that he is there with us able to hold us in his lap when we feel alone. His deliverance may be giving us the knowledge that we will have his strength to endure to the end. I know that tonight I may be in that shredding place but I know he will meet me where I am and give me the strength I need to get on top of that mountain top!!

Another Goodbye....Im letting you go...again

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 07:10:00 +0000

You know those awkward moments we tend to TRY to stay away from well one was presented to me tonight. I ran into someone who completely denies my existence and that I’m human and sooo that actually may hurt my feelings so luckily my mom was with me to help me out because I suddenly lost all vocabulary that I used to have before this moment. Memories started to flash back as I was approaching this person, memories of that place we were at and to be honest I didn’t want those flashbacks but it happened. So we said our hellos and goodbyes but I left there with this feeling of worthlessness. A few months ago I was important to this person, I mattered, I had value to this person and then suddenly I was erased. I left there with all the questions I had before. “Why was I lied to?”, “Why say something if you don’t mean it??”, “Why didn’t you fight???”, “Why was I not important, forget everything else but as a friend why was that not important to fight for?” You get the point I had all these emotions and questions and at the same time wanted to knock this person out. I got in the car and begin to feel so unworthy, lonely, and broken.

This was a point where I had to let go a little more. I did that, I let go a little more. A lot of people think it would be easy to move on after so many months and after so much silence but please don’t judge unless you’ve been there because I used to judge and think “Dang, get over it already!” But we as human beings don’t have on and off buttons. God hasn’t made us like robots, we each are different, and we have different controls and different functions. I choose to let go again tonight. I let go of the pain, anger and confusion. God tells me he loves me. God tells me who I am. God tells me HOW MUCH HE VALUES ME!! He tells me he cares and that I matter to him not some guy. I am worth so much and no one can give that to me or take it away!!!

When I left that awkward run in with this person I realized it was an opportunity to say another Goodbye to those feelings, it was sad but not as sad as it used to be. I don’t want anything that is not real, I don’t need anything that will only set me back and God didn’t intend for me to have something to make me sad. So this is another Goodbye to those feelings. I know I can get through this, I’m strong.

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over and you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift - I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

-T.D. JAKES

Getting in the presence of God

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:45:00 +0000

This past weekend I worked the Revolve tour at nationwide. For those of you who don’t know what it is check out this link http://revolvetour.com/ It was a weekend filled with hope for girls all these girls had different issues but all came together in one place for those 2 days to hear about a real God. The first night I slipped in the back and we found our seats and I was sitting there just looking to see how many people were there…I attempted to count but it was pointless to do that I don’t even like math lol but as I was sitting there a questions was asked and it was a personal question something that you have to dig really deep to find the answer too and it requires you to be real. At that moment I felt like it was just God and I. This stadium was filled with people but you felt safe, secure and close to God. That happens when you surrender your life over to Christ. When we hear the word surrender we maybe think someone gives their heart to God for the first time but this surrender means give him your hope, your dreams, your frustrations, your fears, you’re everything!! We can experience that closeness and security in God every minute of every single day!! We don’t have to only be at church, we don’t have to be having lunch at the pastor’s house or even at a conference don’t get me wrong those things are amazing but I think we get to comfortable there. We depend on only the time at church to feel God, we depend on the pastor to give us a good word to get us through the storm or even a conference.

We can only be able to feel the precious presence of God if we draw near to him everyday not just on Sunday mornings we can have encounters with him in church but how do we keep that?? By a real relationship with him. These past few years of my life I finally have understood how important it is!!! I have been raised in the church but that doesnt always mean those kids raised in the church have no problems or questions I knew it was imperative to have reverence and fear God and how to have respect in his presence and how it is a relationship with God not a set religion but this past year I think I have had a deeper revelation of it. So because of the deeper understanding of this I have been able to believe that he loves me soooo much, I know that he has made me the head and not the tail, I know that his mercies are new EVERY MORNING he doesn’t make me work for my forgiveness, I know that I can call on God whenever I need him. I know that I am able to just talk to him. I can just chill with him. When I feel lonely and have no one around he’s there. When people have left me he never has left me, when I messed up he was still there, when I needed to just yell and scream and cry he listened.

I wish everyone would have a revelation like I did and maybe I’m the last one to hop on this train and if so that’s okay but I wish people would know they can call on God whenever they need him, They can be themselves, NO masks are needed. They are safe with him and that he’s real. They can feel like I did in that huge stadium on a Friday night.

It was said today in church that we need to protect the precious presence of God. I can’t imagine being without the presence of God, it’s how I survive!!! In this generation I see over and over people playing games, waiting until tomorrow to get right, going to God when you have a bad situation in your life but never praising him when life is going good. I can say these things not because I’m judging but because I have been there. I’m not going back there and wanna shout it from the rooftops to others not to allow yourself to take Gods presence for granted. He is so Good and worthy of all our praise. He is a God who loves us so much!!! I’m so unlovable at times but how awesome is it to know that I can NEVER be unlovable to him!!

God With Us

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:56:00 +0000

Who are we, that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see, that's worth looking our way?
We are free, in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release, from the grip of these chains.
Like hinges straining from the weight, my heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries.
For You alone be glorified Emmanuel, God with us.
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Lord You know, our hearts don't deserve Your glory.
Still You show, a love we cannot afford.
Like hinges straining from the weight, my heart no longer can keep from singing.

Such a tiny offering, compared to Calvary, nevertheless we lay it at your feet.

A new chapter in my life = A new author

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 02:53:00 +0000

So this past Friday night the ministry I am so proudly apart of filmed our second DVD. I have written a blog on it and the history of it on an older post so check it out!!! (http://dreams-passion-faith.blogspot.com/2009/01/hands-of-river.html ) But these past few months of my life have been kind of rocky. There have been situations that made me grow but it still hurt, there were people who walked away and situations that just completely went south and it left me feeling numb, bitter, lonely, angry and confused. I had all these emotions that I was just left with and to be honest my heart was truly broken. I minister a song called “praise you in this storm” by a group named casting crowns and I have ministered this song for years but this last “storm” I went through was probably one of the strongest ones I’ve gone through. I truly was in a valley and I didn’t know how it was going to get better. When people would say to me that it would get better I didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t know how I was feeling; they didn’t feel what I felt I was just so frustrated because no one knew sooo no one really understood. It wasn’t anyone’s fault because I didn’t allow them to know what was going down but it was so hard to see the “good” in this situation.

During our dress rehearsal the day before the taping I had to go over the song and I was not feeling it, I felt like there was a huge concrete wall and I couldn’t tear it down. I knew that I had to let go of this person and the hurt and allow God to heal that area in my heart and I didn’t want to let go so therefore it was hard for me to really minister this song in truth. That night I went home and I was sitting in my room late that night and I just started crying because I knew that I had to make the final move and let go of that person they weren’t coming back in that area of my life and so I had to let it go. I told God that night that I would let it go if he took the pain and the “what if’s” (Isn’t it funny how we make “deals” with God even though he’s going to do what he wants?? Lol) So Friday night an hour before we go on I had another rehearsal with my song and once again I felt the wall!!! I knew that the wall would fall down when I surrendered and let go. Right before I went out on stage I told God to take it, that I wouldn’t go back after. He spoke to me and told me this song was closing a chapter in my life but I had to let go. Later that night in the car my Dad told me God spoke to him and told him to tell me that this song was CLOSING A CHAPTER IN MY LIFE!!! That he was moving me on, God never ceases to amaze me. I don’t know how to explain it. But it happened as soon as the lights hit and the music started I felt lighter it hurt, but not for long…I told God this was it I was giving it up to him and during the 5 minutes of that song I felt my heart get healed, I finally had my heart back!!! God grew me up in those 5 minutes lol

You go through things in your life and when you’re in the storm it feels so dark, you never feel like you’re going to be able to see the light but instead of regretting your past thank God for it and make that “regret” a part of your testimony. Allow it to be used for Good. You never know how your “regret” may be a healing for someone else. You never know when God will bring someone in your life to lose the chains that you keep locked up so tightly. I have some really good friends who because of their realness and openness about their experiences helped me realize that a healing in this area is possible, that you grow from these things and God WILL USE THE REGRETS TO ADD TO OUR TESTIMONY!!! I can honestly say that I let it go. Whatever storm you may be going through just know that God will bring you out. You may have questions, you may be confused, you may feel angry and if it’s a person you have issues with or dealing with letting them go there may be times when you miss them, that’s okay we are human and that’s built in us. But when having to make that decision to let it go it helps to think of it in this way. When you let go of all those emotions, all of the unspoken things that should’ve been said or things that should’ve never been said you could be allowing their healing to take place. That really helped me because when you care for someone you do want the best for them. Caring for someone doesn’t always mean “being in love” it just means you care what happens to them because they are their friends. So allow God to start writing the new chapter of your life!!!

Out of Nowhere

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:36:00 +0000

"I am the Lord your God...and I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand." -Isaiah 51:15-16

Whether they surface frequently or rarely, we all have strong feelings that impact us, causing tears to spring up unexpectedly, sending grief sweeping over us "Out of Nowhere" or pushing us to behave in certain ways. By studying these feelings and by remembering back to the events and issues that sparked them, we gain understanding that helps us cope.

As we acknowledge the damage inflicted on the crucial bonds or hearts innately crave, we also seek desperatly to give meaning to our expeirences, no matter how grievous the damage. The fact is, the human psyche can withstand almost any assault if we can find purpose in our lives in spite of the assault.

Our supreme purpose and meaning in life are to know, believe and trust that we are loved by the God who does not "do" throw aways. That knowledge-understand we are loved and valued by our creator even more than we can comprehend-makes productive lives possible for all of us.

And here's the most important thing to understand..whether we are abandoned intentionally or due to uncontrolled circumstances, we are intentional creation of the lord Almighty!!!! We are hidden safetly in his hands because thats where he chooses for us to be, amd thats where we will be forever no matter what happens!!!

" Great is your Mercy" - Donnie Mcclurkin
"Great is your mercy towards me
Your loving kindness towards me
Your tender mercy I see
Day after day

Forever faithful towards me
Always providing for me
Great is your mercy towards me
Great is your grace"

Everything From God to cereal.

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:45:00 +0000

wow today has been a longgg day!!! So since I’m up and can’t sleep I will enlighten my followers on how my day was lol...I know you’re sitting on the edges of your chairs just waiting to hear my eventful day...sarcasm intended lol....

I had to work today. When I work I can’t explain to people what it is I do exactly. We have many family owned businesses which means when you’re in the family you do what needs done. So no point in me trying to put into words what I do just know that I went to work lol. But as I was driving to work I was just talking to God and telling him how I was doing, what I was feeling and what I wasn’t feeling. I am a part of a dance/ sign language ministry at my church ( www.handsoftheriver.com )and we are filming our second DVD next Friday (woohooo!!) But I started thinking back to 2 years ago and where I was in my life, who I was and who I hadn't discovered yet. I started just asking God to anoint next Friday night and to prepare hearts, for it not to just be a cool dance show but for it to be a life changing experience for someone. I started thinking about how that night 2 years ago changed my life forever. Connections were lost but for the good. Connections were made that were also for the good. But that night 2 years ago Kayla started to grow up and discover bits and pieces of who God said I was. Kayla let go of guys who told her who she was and held onto God. My prayer is that next Friday night someone will allow God to hold onto them and tell them who they are!!!

As a youth we sometimes feel intimidated to say what we feel because we don’t feel as "educated" as others first off that’s a lie and nowhere in the bible did it say you needed a PhD to be able to speak or come before God. We can take authority and speak with confidence and love but that only can be found in Christ and having a real relationship with Christ. No man, no women, no job title, no car, no home, no dollar amount or position in the church can give you that because what happens when that person leaves?? What happens when you lose your job?? What happens when you lose your home and car and then you lose your position in the church?? Whereas your authority?? Where’s your confidence??? Where’s your love?? That’s right you guessed it, it’s gone!!! Please take it from me, don’t ever place those things on people. People will let you down, people are not perfect only God is perfect only he can give us those things and we never have to worry about him leaving with those things because he said HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US!!! We place too much worth on who we are by what people say we are. That was me once. It’s a lonely , sad and confusing place to be when people walk away that made you feel confident and loved. They let me down so I didn’t feel loved which meant I wasn’t about to love anyone else I was hurt and so you say something to me I probably would bite your head off. That’s what happens when you base those characteristics by who is in your life and where you stand in life. My prayer is someone finds that out sooner that I did. I believe that can happen!!

So on a lighter non preaching note lol I went to go see "G.I Joe" tonight with some girlfriends and OMG I FEEL LIKE I CAN BE A G.I JOE PERSON!!! The movie was off the chain and heads up to everyone there is definitely going to be a part 2!! That’s all I’m going to say!!..I’m just sayin...But driving home I so felt like my car could fly and turn into some military device with a click of a button!!! Yes I do have an imagination people!!! Anyhow I got home and there it was larger than life!!! A box of captain crunch!!! Ahh I was so happy because the popcorn I bought at the theater was drenched in butter and soggy so needless to say I was so hungry. So I get me out a bowl, I pore the cereal , get me a spoon and go to get the milk....IT WAS GONE!!!! I was so let down. Such anticipation to bite into this bowl of cereal so quickly crushed by the whole fact of not having milk. lol So what did we learn?? Buy milk before you come doofis! lol what does that last paragraph have to do with Jesus??.........Jesus wept?? lol

Work what HE gave you!

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:26:00 +0000

Have you ever seen a packet of apple seeds at the store?? They have the most beautiful picture of the grown apples on the front but when you open the packet all you see are a lot of little seeds…Nothing like the picture huh!!?? God has placed so many beautiful things on the inside of us we get discouraged because we feel worthless, like we have no purpose, we feel small like those seeds but what we don’t see is the fruit after those seeds are watered how do you water them?? Relationship with God. Period. Sometimes when God tells us to do something we feel we are not equipped because all we see our those little seeds so we say No to God because we don’t see that thing that we need to equip us. When God looks at us he doesn’t see how small the seed is he sees potential!! He sees the brilliance of what he placed in us. Don’t quit on yourself, God didn’t bring you where you are to fail, God is on our side! He placed a seed of greatness in us and we need to work that!! We need to walk in it. God gave us all something, most people miss their destiny because they focus on what other people have we are obsessed with someone else’s gifts and neglect the gift God gave us to nurture!! Be careful because you don’t know the price they paid to get that gift, they may be smiling when they came to church but the drive to church they were balling and crying out to God because they feel lonely. Be careful because you do not know the real them, you don’t know if they have real joy, real peace, people are good at acting. Be careful not to forget what God gave you and only you, don’t neglect it. It may look like the ugly seeds in the packet but look at the finished work. Work what God gave you even if you feel like its small, you cant see what God see’s but if you get in relationship with him and allow HIM to water those seeds it will be made clear to you like BAM!!!

The Great Saddness.

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:54:00 +0000

I did it. I read old messages from someone I once knew. I should’ve just deleted them quick before I had time to rethink my decision but I DIDN’T. I wish I would’ve just deleted them and shut my mind off. Ever wonder why someone has to leave? Was it in God’s plan or did I just mess that up?? Was it just life that tore you apart or was it destiny?? Was it right or was it wrong?? After reading the many old messages my heart began to ache like it did when it first happened. I remember where I was, what I had one, even how my hair was. I don’t want to remember. I wish I could erase it all there’s no need for me to remember. I wish this person didn’t have to leave. Tonight I’m going to have to just deal with some hurts I once again buried away. How do you shut someone out?? Is it even right to shut someone out?? What if they told you to let them go?? Is it still the right thing to do???

As I was reading the words one by one each one pierced my heart especially the line "come on in to my heart, find a place, a special place where you will never have to worry about me ever not desiring you. Come on in to the window of my soul...where it’s reserved to God, my family and that special someone. Come on in to my life, because I want you there, I long for you there and I need you there.” How does someone say those things then pick up and leave?? After reading a few messages that were a “happy time” I found the ones that were the “sad times” One day you’re telling me how you love me then the next day you say I got to be a friend and let you go?? I know it wasn’t real but how does someone fake so well??? If everything was a lie and a figment of imagination then how did everything seem so real that was said?? When someone says they want the same things usually your able to believe that. I believed that. I was the idiot who believed it. I feel used, disrespected, not important. But then supposed to act like it’s all good?? I’m expected to get over it and brush it under the rug so no one finds out. That’s cool I can push it under the rug but unlike some I can’t fake my emotions that well. I can’t fake that my hearts broken. I wasn’t worth enough for you to make things right. That’s okay.

You open your heart to someone and one day it’s there and another it’s just gone. I want to say I miss those days but I can’t really say that because apparently it wasn’t real so I’m missing a lie. I just don’t get how it could’ve been a lie. But it’s easier to get past if I tell myself it was a lie, that it was a typical guy, that it was a crutch to lean on while your problems were waiting to be fixed. My heart just hurts tonight and I should’ve just not read the messages but I did and now I have to get my emotions out somehow.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 04:48:00 +0000

So you've heard the phrase “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”

Many people have their own opinions about this saying but to me this means you can’t keep your cake looking as if no one has taken a bite out of it and also eat it. People always argue the meaning of this because they say what’s the point in having cake if you can’t eat it. Well that’s going to be my point here exactly!!! A lot of people walk around claiming to be Christian. They believe Jesus Christ died for them, they believe in going to church and they may even be involved in the church but some of these people are claiming to be something they are not. I know harsh right? Well someone has to say it!! Let me first start by saying being a Christian does not mean doing what you want and at night laying down your head saying the same rehearsed prayer you have since you were 5 years old. Being a Christian doesn’t mean living holy on Sunday and the rest of the week being of the world. Being a Christian doesn’t mean only praying when the mortgage is due or the bill collectors are calling. Don’t say you’re something if you’re not walking it out if you say it people better recognize the God in you baby!!

I’ve been here. I would say one thing but deep down believe another. I never walked away from God but there was a point in my life where I was going through the motions. Life wasn’t looking so great, my heart always felt empty and sad and friends were all walking away and in the process of walking they were stabbing me in the back. Friends who claimed to be Christians. I remember thinking what’s the point of being a Christian if we only act Christian for 3 hours on Sunday??? My desire for God was slowly slipping away, my desire to get in his word and read and breathe life was slowly slipping away. I felt like God didn’t hear me. I felt like maybe I messed up to much for God to ever hear me or maybe I had to do something to earn back his love and trust. I remember one night just crying out to God asking him why my life was going the way it was? Why was another person walking out of my life? Why would he put them in my life for them just to walk away? Why wasn’t he even hearing me!!! I was so mad, I was confused but most of all, I was broken. That night God spoke to me and he said “unplug your ears and you’ll hear me” I remember thinking what does that mean I’m not plugging my ears God I’m doing the opposite that’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m asking you why u won’t answer me!!! He said it again “unplug your ears and you’ll hear me” So I was like ok God why am I plugging my ears (I probably had some sarcasm in my voice) He said “your plugging your ears because it’s your safety mechanism. You have been hurt by the things people have said about you, the things they didn’t say or the empty promises that you were told.” I still didn’t understand…if that was the reason why would I “plug my ears” he said "the reason why I did this was “because those words went into your ears and pierced your heart. The words that were said you “HEARD” those things hurt you because they broke your heart so it was easier for you to shut your ears and close out people so they couldn’t hurt you, but in the long run you have closed me out too” WOW talk about being put in your place in a loving way lol…I was seeing God as I saw the people who walked away and didn’t listen to what I had to say. I was scared of being let down so putting walls up seemed like a great plan!!! This night changed my life and perception of God completely!!! Since then I have realized that he will speak to me in different ways every time. It may be through the preacher on Sunday, the kids in the Sunday school classes or a cashier who is just doing her job. God will use whatever he wants to speak to us!!! It’s the still small voice on the inside of us (others seem to get it mixed up with their “6^th) sense little do they know its Jesus speaking to their heartsJ)

Something else as Christians we MUST do is get in the word!!! That would’ve cleared up a lot of questions I was having!!! For one I would’ve been reminded that in his word it says “I will never leave you or forsake you” Hebrews 13:5-6 we have the word available to us. God has given us the answers to all the questions we have but sometimes we are simply too lazy to open the book or we don’t really want to know the answers. I know I was like that once. I knew what God would say and I wasn’t ready to listen and change so not getting in the word helped me not be reminded of right from wrong. We want the answer but don’t want to do the work. We would rather someone tell us how we should handle a situation or even do it for us. As the body of Christ we have the keys to the kingdom (Matt. 16:19) in our hands and we take it for granted sometimes. We are in a battle and we cannot fight without the word!! It’s sharper than a two edged sword (Hebrews 4:12)

Every question we have is waiting for us to discover the answer. To discover these answers we must get in the word and digest every little thing so that when these questions and doubts try to come in we can say NO MY GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME, MY GOD WILL NEVER PLACE MORE ON ME THAN I CAN HANDLE, MY GOD IS FAITHFUL, MY GOD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, MY GOD IS!!!

It only matters where you're going!

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Today My family and I had to go pick up my sister from a church camp she had gone too for the weekend and as we were leaving I was walking to my car and behind me was a mom and child ....they were talking pretty loud so I could hear what the conversation was about. The mom was telling the kid to keep walking and stop stopping in front of her. And then she said the sentence that made me jump on the inside. She told her Child “Quit looking behind and Look where you’re going, It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, right now it only matters where you’re going” It struck me!!! So many times am I looking at the past and thinking how I could’ve done things so differently. I look back and wish I would’ve done some things I had the opportunity to do or look back at the hurts and things I can’t seem to let go of. I try to let them go but lately the hurt keeps popping up. The anger from the situation is slowly fading away but the hurt is increasing sometimes. As Children of God he is walking right beside us telling us “Quit looking behind and look where you’re going, it doesn’t matter where you’ve been, right now it only matters where you’re going” I don’t know about you but that really comforts me.

It doesn’t matter what we have done or where we have been his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:21-24)!!! I find that with some people they don’t want to believe that promise. They would rather sulk in their hurt, anger, depression and the list can go on and on and then some more But as people of God we need to rise up and make that stand that shows others that yes we are hurting, yes we are dealing with unforgiveness, yes we don’t know where our next meal is coming from, yes we are depressed BUT MY GOD HAS SACRIFICED SO I CAN RECEIVE HIS GRACE AND MERCY EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!! The world is watching and so when we are going through “real” things we need to be REAL about them. I know for me I don’t need anyone all up in my business preaching to me when they are not living what they are preaching, I don’t expect perfection but I do expect you to be real. I wonder what would happen if people stopped walking around acting like they aint got any problems. I think healing would happen before our eyes. Then body of Christ would be one and be there for one another not to judge but to support them so that when we find ourselves slipping back they can say to us “Quit looking behind and Look where you’re going, It doesn’t matter where you’ve been , right now it only matters where you’re going”

I encourage you to take a moment and think about the situations you are dealing with and instead of me saying just give them to God and believe me I am not making light because we are to cast our burdens on him because he cares for us. But we have to put some action into it we have got to give it to God and leave it and thennnnn allow him to heal our heart. We then must walk in the authority he has given to us freely!!! He paid the price for our deliverance! I challenge you today to “Quit looking behind and look where you’re going, it doesn’t matter where you’ve been, right now it only matters where you’re going”

Take ownership!!!

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 22:14:00 +0000

Hey guys!!! So its been a minute since I last blogged but I'm back! Its been crazy busy here. My sign/dance team is working on new songs for our upcoming DVD and I am so excited to see how God is going to move!!! I can not wait, I know something amazing is going to take place BUT that's not what I'm going to be blogging about, Ill blog more about that in a few days. God has been showing me how he has the final say so in EVERY situation!!! He has shown me the healing power of his hand and has shown me the direction he is wanting me to go in my life. He never ever ever lets me down!!!

I was cleaning this afternoon because our family is coming here Sunday for an anniversary party so that means that my room has to be clean lol But I had a random worship cd on with a bunch of different artists and Tye Tribbetts song "I want it all Back" came on I don't know what it was but I got so fired up! It was a good fired up though It became apparent to me that things I thought I had lost I really didn't loose. All of those dreams were mine!!! I had ownership of them no one else!! I had to take back my ownership to these things. Things God has placed in me that I allowed people to squash was mine!!! They were placed in me for a reason. I'm ready to take charge over those things and begin walking in them. Too many times we get down and feel like we have no authority to take back our dreams that the devil stole Guess what??!! We have every right to take back what was stolen to us. God even tells us in his word!!!

It may be the Joy that you no longer have, It may have been the peace you once had, It may be the love and compassion you once had, it may be a godly friendship that somehow went south Or it may be the faith that you once had in God. Whatever it is take it back!! You have ownership over that things!! For so long I had all these "dreams" And to be honest never felt smart enough to pursue them, I always felt like they were an arm length reach away, never felt like anyone would want to listen to what I thought and I didn't think I could accomplish what I really wanted but these past few weeks God has shown me that when we let go and we have faith that he will complete the work he started in us it can and will happen when HE SAYS SO!!!!

If you in the waiting for whatever you have been praying for don't loose faith or hope. You have got to believe you will see it come to pass. God doesn't say things just to say things!!! Below is the song I was talking about. Allow this song to really sink in and begin walking in your ownership!!!

No need for a title.

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:16:00 +0000

I don’t know you. You hurt me, you lied to me and you masked the real you. I would’ve dropped whatever to help you; I gave up things because I “respected” you. I believed you. I trusted you and trusted you wouldn’t do me wrong. You’re human so we will be hurt we will be let down but I never thought you would burn me. You say one thing and do another. You shut people out that get too close but say for me not to do it because it’s a lonely dark place. Don’t you see?? Don’t you see??? Why can’t you see it??

You’re here but gone. I need healing so right now it’s best your gone. But just like I need healing you need it too. I want healing for you. I want you to have a good life. I want you to be whole. I want you to be blessed. But when are you going to step out and step up?? You still have a heart. I think it’s cold though. Mine is.

I cared so much for you, you were close to me. I thought I was close to you but I guess not. I’m so angry at you. I don’t want to be angry. Tomorrow is not promised so I’m going to let it go, Lately every day I gotta let it go but should I have to do it every day if I truly was able to let it go?? I see what you’ve done, I see what you’re doing and I keep asking myself why??? Why do you do what u do?? Why do you say what you say??? Why do you not say what needs to be said??? Does a broken heart mean nothing to you??? Does a wounded spirit mean nothing to you??? I think it does. I think it means a lot to you but, you can’t say what it means to you. Where's your voice??? Be careful because empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray. "The journey from your mind to your hands is shorter than you're thinking be careful if you think you stand you just might be sinking." I see the pattern…do you not see the pattern??? Please change the pattern before it’s too late.

Unity

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 04:22:00 +0000

Man I have so many emotions going on tonight not because I "thought I was over something" but because my eyes are being opened more and more everyday and tonight let’s just say I saw the whole picture with new eyes. I’m mad, I feel used, I feel betrayed and I feel sad because it happened all under my nose. I didn’t see it. I saw it but never put things together. How in the world do I let something of such magnitude happen and go on and me not speak up??? Division was supposed to be the plan but I am using this to bring healing to friendships I put away from years past. I never knew why things were the way they were why there was conflict between certain people and thought that it would never be fixed but while I was going through my storm they were going through the same storm.

While we are going through those storms God doesn’t want us isolating ourselves. The people we shut out because of "conflict" can sometimes be the ones to hold our hand and lift us up while going through these trials. Sooo the devil knows that so his biggest weapon used against us is DIVISION IN THE BODY OF CHRIST!!! As the body of Christ he desires unity (Eph. 4) and he desires us Christians to have each other’s back. Don’t tell me you have my back and then walk away when the time comes to stand up. Don’t tell me you have my back because it sounds like a good thing to say. Don’t tell me you have my back when the pastors are around. Don’t tell me you have my back when deep down you do not believe what you’re preaching. Don’t you dare tell me what needs to be fixed when you yourself haven’t fixed anything? Don’t stand in my way of a healing. Don’t tell me things to keep me down. Don’t tell me things to make sure I stay a few steps behind you!!!

This Wednesday pastor talked on unity in the body of Christ and as a few people spoke about what they saw in the near future and where we were headed it became apparent to me that we all were saying the same thing and seeing the same vision and how that is one of the areas of unity in the body of Christ. Unity to me always meant getting along with other in the church. I know that’s not what it is but that’s how I thought of it. So that was cool for me to FINALLY understand that it means being one as a body and having a "one" vision and I believe when we become one in that area the other things like getting along will just fall into place!!! There’s too much chitter chatter going on around us that may be standing in the way of the healing of unity between people. I can’t stop crying tonight because God allowed me to see some things that I was letting stand in the way of my healing and others. I refuse to sit back any longer and be silent about injustice. I refuse to sit back and just tolerate people. I refuse to sit back and allow the people of God to be crushed in spirit and have no one they feel they can lean on. I refuse to allow people to stand in my way of healing and of unity. (Gen. 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.")

Isaiah: 54:14

"no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD."

He will make a way!!!

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:07:00 +0000

She said, "If only I could touch his clothes, I shall be made well"- Mark 5:8

Its true that sometimes when we need him the most we feel far away from God-hurting,alone,forgotten, trampled down by a crowd of problems. Maybe at that point we've given up on ever feeling close to him again. Maybe we feel dirty and unfit, covered with worldly dust that robs us of courage and weakens our faith. When you find yourself faced with these thoughts, remember the woman who reached out through the mob of people to just touch the hem of his cloak. There may have been something in her that wanted to think that he had passed her by and forgotten her or turned his back on her BUT she knew better!!!! She knew that even if she didn’t feel close to Jesus, even if she could look him in the eye or talk to him face to face, she still knew he was there!! Deep down we still know God is near, deep down ..That means we have to dig. There’s work to be done. We often remind ourselves of our failures so we won’t have to make that step of change. Change is scary let’s admit it. It’s the fear of the unknown.

Because of that fear we often use these excuses. We messed up. We were hurt. We hurt others. We were done wrong. We did others wrong. We are trapped in the prisons of our minds, we wear chains that have us bound in bondage and everyday it seems another set of chains are placed upon us. We try to get free but nothing seems to work. I’m sure the lady who suffered all those years with the issue of blood felt like she was in a prison never to be set free, I’m sure she felt the heaviness of her burdens increase day by day. But she had to MAKE HER WAY through the crowd of people. She had to take the strength and courage placed in her and do what probably frightened her the most!!! She had to MAKE HER WAY through the crowds of people who most likely said things to her, looked down upon her, ran away from her, mocked her and made her feel like she wasn’t important. Too many times we don’t listen to the voice of God because we are afraid to rock the boat with people. Funny thing is people cannot save us but sometimes we care more about what they think rather than what God thinks. We don’t attempt to change because it may hurt too bad. We say we are trying to do right but using the cliché as a crutch to delay what needs to be done. Believe me I can say these things in truth because I have been there!!! The lady didn’t listen to the voice of the people that day.

When things go bad in our lives it is easier to sometimes place the blame on others. It’s easier to be angry rather than deal with the hurt, it’s easier to close someone out rather than work things out, and it’s easier to shut down on life when you keep coming to a fork in the road that is going to make you take a path that maybe you don’t want to take. When things don’t work out the way we plan....when we're handed loss while we are hoping for luck...when someone or something we love is taken from is...the light goes out of our lives. We're lost, not understanding the calamity that has swept through our lives and dumped us in some dark place far from hope. When hardships hit, when our heart breaks, of course we grieve for what we've lost. But in our sadness lets resolve to learn through our grief, through our anger, through our questions, through our hardships. Ask God what he's trying to teach us through these seasons in our life. The answer won’t always be immediately clear. Sometimes we may not realize till weeks or even years later what God was teaching is in our time of trial. We need to let our heartache send us into Gods loving embrace, knowing that HE WILL MAKE A WAY!!!!

I love these next few lyrics of this song. It’s been with me all day.

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

It's Yours

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:41:00 +0000

your life
u don’t try
to live it right
because nothin ever changes everything remains the same
u don’t know how u make it every day

well I desire
to see u livin right
because the way u live today I’m sorry but I gotta say
your life is headed straight down the drain

you tell me that your tryin to keep it tight
but u can’t even tell wrong from right
walk round with your head up high
actin like u got nothin to hide
u need to open up your eyes
u need the light and u can’t deny
no more crying
no more tears no more pain, receive eternal life
its yours

take a look
at yourself
tell me
what you see
cant see your own reflection
try to change and nothin happened because u just the way u used to be

well see
u cant change
on your own
u aint got the strength
and the only way u can
is because he became a man and
he’s the one whose got the master plan

u can’t take it no more
god is knocking at your door
with your face on the hard floor
your heart is beating to look no more
u cry out what am I here for
your head on the floor
I’m lost in war
open your heart and take your life
its yours!!!

Perfect People

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 06:47:00 +0000

Never let him see you when your breaking
Never let him see you when you fall
Thats How We Live
And thats How We Try

Tell The world you've got it all together
You never let him see whats underneath
We cover it up
with the crooked smile
but it only lasts for a little while

there's no such thing as perfect people
there's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed, and be changed
by a perfect God

Suddenly its like a weight is lifted
when you hear the words that you are loved
he knows where you are
and were you've been
and you never have to go there again

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed and be changed
by a perfect God

Who lived, and died, to give you life
to heal our imperfections
so look up, and see love, and let grace be enough

Holding on

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:59:00 +0000

Okay so I am FINALLY home!!! I have been gone for about 2 weeks now in Florida! I had such an amazing and relaxing vacation. So now I am back to reality but so happy to be, I was beginning to get homesick..I’m such a baby but I really loved my vacation time. I have a lot that was going through my mind on this vacation. For me, I thought it was a great time to get away from everything but isn’t it so crazy how it follows you places ...that thing you’re wanting to just forget?!! So instead of pushing it on the back burner every time it came to mind I talked to God about it.

One morning I was sitting on the beach and I found this thing that was weighing on me come to mind. It was a beautiful morning, the waves were just right, the sky was as blue as blue could possibly be and I certainly was not needing this to be brought up at this moment but as I started to push it away it hit me what a better place to just talk to God about this? I was surrounded by beauty I was at the water’s edge and I felt him all around me!!! For awhile I just sat there and soaked it up I was just silent. I felt him just gently nudge me to talk about it...I know sounds weird but God meets us where we are!!! This nudging reminded me of when my mom would try to get me to tell her what was wrong it was a familiar nudging. I was just hurt and I didn’t have much more to explain how I felt other than, Hurt. But as I began to just talk to him about what was going on I began to get angry and then I just felt like I wanted to give a few people a piece of my mind because that’s what would fix it (sarcasm intended lol) But then I realized it was much easier for me to be angry rather than just hurt. Think about it, when you’re hurt you feel sad, hopeless, alone and sometimes a little weary but when you’re angry you feel empowered, you feel strong, and you feel like you have the answers to the problems. I was distracting my true feelings by being angry, I found it easier to be angry than be hurt. I started asking God how do I get rid of this and heal my heart??? I found out I do that by allowing him to do it, Allowing MY GOD to take control and find a way to heal the wounds. I found that MY GOD knows the answers and that I don’t have to keep searching for a healing exercise (I wasn’t really doing that I was just sayin') I found that MY GOD has the ultimate say so, me giving people a piece of my mind he would give those people a piece of his mind that would heal them. I do want them healed, I do want reconciliation, I do want them to have a long life, I do want them to have joy and peace and happiness, and I do want them to be FREE!!!! I want them to be HEALED!!! I realized I have got to give it to God and everyday when I deal with this hurt I have to give it to Him!!!

No matter what happens I want to be healed. I don’t want to have this baggage and I know God is healing my heart and taking away the baggage. I just got to hold on to him and not let go. I have to be able to see when it’s cloudy and to love when it’s hard to show love. That morning I felt the arms of God wrap around me and since that morning I have gotten angry and hurt but told God to take it and to have his way. I’m working on it but I’m not letting go until the end!!!

I've been there a thousand times,
I've felt the rain like a thousand knives.
And it hurts,
I know it hurts!
I've been there like a fighter plane,
Tryin' fly my way through a hurricane.
And it's hard,
I know it's hard!

Don't be afraid,
You'll make it through,
Just call out to me and I'll come running to you!

Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
And your heart beats like thunder.
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over,
And I'll be fighting for you.
Just give me your hand and,
Hold on!

I'll give you hope, I'll give you faith!
And if it's dark, I'll light the way,
For you, for you!
By your side, until the end,
Until you're standing tall again!
I'm here, I'll always be here.
And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea,
When your strength is gone, and it's hard to believe!

Lessons Learned

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:28:00 +0000

Life passes by so quickly.....

Life lessons are learned and because of those lessons learned good and bad we are made stronger. We find out who we are and sometimes find out who is good for you and who is not so great for you. Its so crazy because these last 6 months I have changed so much!!! Im beginning to find out who Kayla really is, what Kayla likes and what Kayla wants. For so long I searched everywhere for me. I searched in love, in friends, in diets (how crazy?), in what people thought about me, even how people looked at me but I couldn't find myself in any of those things I was M.I.A.!!!

I was looking back in some journals this afternoon and as I read the words on the pages I was taken back to what season I was in and the things I was struggling with. It wasnt until I looked back (never forget where you come from) in those pages that I realized how far I have come, how in areas I felt broken still were actually being healed. Dont get me wrong I knew thigns were being healed but sometimes it feels like it takes so long but we often want things NOW we dont beleieve in waiting nor do we even consider it. My heart feels a little better everyday and thats because I surrendered to God!!! I allowed him to have control over my whole life and yes it hurt but it only was hurting because I wasnt letting go.

Im finding what GOD wants for me, what GOD has for me and what GOD'S calling is for my life. But most importantly I am finding out what God sees when he looks at me, the REAL me!!! Im discovering how much he really really loves and cares for me. I am discovering how to walk with him daily and I am discovering that I can not go back to the thigns i have so many times before. Even if I am out of my comfort zone that is okay!!! That is what you call growth. Theres no need for fear for the future because he has my back point blank period!!!

Im finding how to trust him and others. I am finding how to love me for me and finding who I am. The thigns I have done or have not done do not define me. But what does define me is what God says about me. No one can break me or take away my joy or tell me who I am they do not define me, they dont complete me and they can not save me!!! God is the joy and strength of my life, he removes all pain, misery and strife. He picks me up when I fall!!!

How bad do I want this?

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:08:00 +0000

WOW!!! Where do I start?? This may take a few more posts to get out whats inside of me lol :)

This past week and a half has been so amazing. Between youth retreats or to sightseeing the BEAUTIFUL city of Chicago!!! I cannot really put into words how I feel but if I had to find one word I don’t think I could lol. God is calling to his people to get ready. We no longer have time to just play around. This generation needs to stop playing games. We need to walk into the destiny and calling God has for us. No more putting it off until tomorrow. We know we are called we know what we have to do but we keep putting it off.

Last week I was a counselor at youth camp and I went there expecting to help teens and I did but God used them to minister to me. We were in service one night and the Holy Spirit just fell and it was soooo tangible. About an hour into the service I just sat back and looked around and was overwhelmed with a sense of joy, hope and healing. As I looked all around a group of boys caught my attention, There was about 13 or 14 boys all praying together and they were not just praying because we told them to they were seeking the heart and face of God. They were doing spiritual warfare for themselves and others. One kid was telling God to “use me I’m here, I’m willing please take all that I have and use it!!! I want to do your will; I want you to bring healing to me, I WANT YOU!!!” I just started weeping. I realized that sometimes I’m not as willing to do what God asks of me as these teens were and I realized at that point that everything I held onto like the hurts, the judgments from people, the anger, the confusion because of the things that have happened just didn’t matter at that moment in time. I had to make a choice at that point to let it go and allow God to take all of those things because they were not worth my freedom!!! Were they important??Absolutely!! But, not as important as my freedom and healing. Do I deal with letting these things go every day?? Absolutely but I will decide to everyday surrender those things and let them go. I began to think about where my life could have been if I would’ve stayed on a road I traveled for a long time. I began to just cry (I’m very emotional lol) and think about what would’ve happened to me if there wasn’t a change and an openness to allow Gods voice to be heard. If not for his Grace I wouldn’t be here today. But I had to come to a point and ask myself. “How bad do I want this?”

We are always taught how we need a relationship with Jesus and we go through the motions of Sunday church service, the youth campouts, the women’s weekend getaway with God or teaching Sunday school and I’m sure the list could go on but out of all those things are we really believing what we say and are we really striving towards what God wants for us?? We always want to ask God all the questions when something seems to be going wrong but HOW BAD DO WE WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS WHEN TIMES ARE GOOD??? We then say we don’t hear from God but from my experience I have found that to hear and understand someone you must have a RELATIONSHIP with them. We cannot just go through the motions of church and think that qualifies us for a relationship with God. In Matthew 6:33 it says “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” That to me shows me that having a relationship with God brings order and understanding to life!! Many people sometimes looks at this as us getting all we want if we read our bible and go to church (seeking his kingdom) But to me this means when I talk to God and seek his face on everything all else will just fall into place. I will have a purpose and destiny will spring forth because I know what God is saying to me!!! So how bad do you want it? How bad do you really want a relationship with God??? We can listen to all the sermons we want and listen to all the praise music we want and we can be brought up in church BUT it’s up to you how your relationship is with God when you ask yourself “How bad do I want this??” Don’t ask for it if you don’t want it. Don’t ask for it out of selfishness because God knows your heart and you can’t hide your true motives from him. But how bad do you want a God who will love on you without a price, how bad do you want to be able to just vent to someone and feel you have an ear to listen, how bad do you want to know you’re calling and destiny?? The choice is up to you, don’t miss out because of fear or hurt believe me it is not worth it!!

These past few days God has shown me purpose and destiny. He has shown me his healing hand and he has also shown me the importance of having that relationship with him. God has loosened the chains I so tightly locked up, and believe me only God can unloosen them because I REALLYYYY tightened them lol I’m not sure of your season you’re in, I’m not sure of how your heart is feeling while you read this and I’m not sure of the things you have gone through but I am definitely for sure that its not too big for God. He never will place more on us than we can handle!!! At times it feels like we are about to break and maybe we are but when we break, life springs forth and something new begins to grow!!! Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom so God can rebuild who we are. It’s not a fun process but it’s much easier when you allow him to have it all and allow him to take your whole life no fears or inhibitions but a willingness to do his will and move forward each and every day!!!

Let’s just be real

chattykayla89@aol.com (Kayla) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 04:28:00 +0000

To put all your trust in God. What does that really mean???

I recently read a blog by one of my friends that was simply amazing so check it out!! ( http://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2009/06/no-joy-no-strength-no-faith-no-strength.html ) This blog got me thinking he gave the example of how we say all these things like "The joy of the Lord, is my strength." But is it really??? Is that really where your finding your joy or is your joy you say you have built up hate that you mask with biblical scriptures, Is your real source of joy the paycheck you cash in every Friday at 5pm, or is your source of joy in a boyfriend/girlfriend Yes I know that’s Harsh but let’s just be real we all deal with this. We get in the habit of acting as if we have no problems and we are so perfect. Please no one lives in a Brady bunch world (A.K.A. Perfect world) we deal with things like authenticity every day, we deal with finding Joy where we say we find Joy, We deal with really trusting God like we say we do and we deal with having the faith and believing.

What does it mean to you when you hear the words put all your trust in God??? We put our trust in so many different things and don’t get me wrong, we should have the ability to trust others and to know when it’s right and when you need to balance your feelings. But how in the world do we really trust God with all that we have???

First I believe we have to surrender. We have to give it all to God and when we do that and take it to God we have to leave it at his feet. Don’t pick it up and take back a few pieces that we may not be ready to let go of. I had things that I had to let go of and I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt because it hurts but it’s not as bad as I thought and I believe that is because I surrendered it to God and didn’t hold back anything. I was scared to surrender it all because what if it doesn’t work out how I thought (Us humans, have that thing where we think we know better than God..Crazy huh??) . I never understood how I could really trust God with ALL I had!!! I just agreed with that saying. I never meant to just say it but after so many years I think it’s healthy to check yourself and make sure you’re being real and meaning what you say. But to trust someone you have to go through a process of building a relationship right?? So to build that relationship you have to have communication you talk to that person about your feelings, your fears, your dreams, your hurts etc. As time goes on that relationship usually grows and gets deeper, you come to a place where you really trust them and feel like you’re able to share everything with this person. It’s easy to believe them when they say “I got your back” We believe what they say and trust that they will do what they say. So why do we trust people and surrender our problems to them but find it hard to really surrender to God.

I’ve realized lately that when we do surrender to God that is when our complete healing can begin. We cannot only let go of a few things and the other things put on the back burner to deal with when “we feel like it” Will we find healing when we do that? Of course but I’m not for sure you can really heal completely until you surrender all you have and allow God to take control of your life not just the areas you feel he has access too. Now, that is all opinion so you may have a different view and that’s ok. For me though I’ve found out that to surrender means everyday making that choice. It’s not a one time deal and your set your whole lifetime. I believe it’s a daily decision you make. In this season in my life when I start feeling sad or angry about certain things I have got to make that decision to take It to God and have him deal with it because if not I’m tore up the rest the day and my mind is distracted. It’s an everyday decision I have to make and some days I feel a little stubborn and the control freak in me tries to rise up lol.

We must remind ourselves of s very basic truth. Our faith source is Jesus. He is the author of our faith. He is the giver of our faith. I am not nor is anyone else!!!