I don’t know you. You hurt me, you lied to me and you masked the real you. I would’ve dropped whatever to help you; I gave up things because I “respected” you. I believed you. I trusted you and trusted you wouldn’t do me wrong. You’re human so we will be hurt we will be let down but I never thought you would burn me. You say one thing and do another. You shut people out that get too close but say for me not to do it because it’s a lonely dark place. Don’t you see?? Don’t you see??? Why can’t you see it??

You’re here but gone. I need healing so right now it’s best your gone. But just like I need healing you need it too. I want healing for you. I want you to have a good life. I want you to be whole. I want you to be blessed. But when are you going to step out and step up?? You still have a heart. I think it’s cold though. Mine is.

I cared so much for you, you were close to me. I thought I was close to you but I guess not. I’m so angry at you. I don’t want to be angry. Tomorrow is not promised so I’m going to let it go, Lately every day I gotta let it go but should I have to do it every day if I truly was able to let it go?? I see what you’ve done, I see what you’re doing and I keep asking myself why??? Why do you do what u do?? Why do you say what you say??? Why do you not say what needs to be said??? Does a broken heart mean nothing to you??? Does a wounded spirit mean nothing to you??? I think it does. I think it means a lot to you but, you can’t say what it means to you. Where's your voice??? Be careful because empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray. "The journey from your mind to your hands is shorter than you're thinking be careful if you think you stand you just might be sinking." I see the pattern…do you not see the pattern??? Please change the pattern before it’s too late.

Man I have so many emotions going on tonight not because I "thought I was over something" but because my eyes are being opened more and more everyday and tonight let’s just say I saw the whole picture with new eyes. I’m mad, I feel used, I feel betrayed and I feel sad because it happened all under my nose. I didn’t see it. I saw it but never put things together. How in the world do I let something of such magnitude happen and go on and me not speak up??? Division was supposed to be the plan but I am using this to bring healing to friendships I put away from years past. I never knew why things were the way they were why there was conflict between certain people and thought that it would never be fixed but while I was going through my storm they were going through the same storm.

While we are going through those storms God doesn’t want us isolating ourselves. The people we shut out because of "conflict" can sometimes be the ones to hold our hand and lift us up while going through these trials. Sooo the devil knows that so his biggest weapon used against us is DIVISION IN THE BODY OF CHRIST!!! As the body of Christ he desires unity (Eph. 4) and he desires us Christians to have each other’s back. Don’t tell me you have my back and then walk away when the time comes to stand up. Don’t tell me you have my back because it sounds like a good thing to say. Don’t tell me you have my back when the pastors are around. Don’t tell me you have my back when deep down you do not believe what you’re preaching. Don’t you dare tell me what needs to be fixed when you yourself haven’t fixed anything? Don’t stand in my way of a healing. Don’t tell me things to keep me down. Don’t tell me things to make sure I stay a few steps behind you!!!

This Wednesday pastor talked on unity in the body of Christ and as a few people spoke about what they saw in the near future and where we were headed it became apparent to me that we all were saying the same thing and seeing the same vision and how that is one of the areas of unity in the body of Christ. Unity to me always meant getting along with other in the church. I know that’s not what it is but that’s how I thought of it. So that was cool for me to FINALLY understand that it means being one as a body and having a "one" vision and I believe when we become one in that area the other things like getting along will just fall into place!!! There’s too much chitter chatter going on around us that may be standing in the way of the healing of unity between people. I can’t stop crying tonight because God allowed me to see some things that I was letting stand in the way of my healing and others. I refuse to sit back any longer and be silent about injustice. I refuse to sit back and just tolerate people. I refuse to sit back and allow the people of God to be crushed in spirit and have no one they feel they can lean on. I refuse to allow people to stand in my way of healing and of unity. (Gen. 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.")

Isaiah: 54:14

"no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD."

She said, "If only I could touch his clothes, I shall be made well"- Mark 5:8


Its true that sometimes when we need him the most we feel far away from God-hurting,alone,forgotten, trampled down by a crowd of problems. Maybe at that point we've given up on ever feeling close to him again. Maybe we feel dirty and unfit, covered with worldly dust that robs us of courage and weakens our faith. When you find yourself faced with these thoughts, remember the woman who reached out through the mob of people to just touch the hem of his cloak. There may have been something in her that wanted to think that he had passed her by and forgotten her or turned his back on her BUT she knew better!!!! She knew that even if she didn’t feel close to Jesus, even if she could look him in the eye or talk to him face to face, she still knew he was there!! Deep down we still know God is near, deep down ..That means we have to dig. There’s work to be done. We often remind ourselves of our failures so we won’t have to make that step of change. Change is scary let’s admit it. It’s the fear of the unknown.

Because of that fear we often use these excuses. We messed up. We were hurt. We hurt others. We were done wrong. We did others wrong. We are trapped in the prisons of our minds, we wear chains that have us bound in bondage and everyday it seems another set of chains are placed upon us. We try to get free but nothing seems to work. I’m sure the lady who suffered all those years with the issue of blood felt like she was in a prison never to be set free, I’m sure she felt the heaviness of her burdens increase day by day. But she had to MAKE HER WAY through the crowd of people. She had to take the strength and courage placed in her and do what probably frightened her the most!!! She had to MAKE HER WAY through the crowds of people who most likely said things to her, looked down upon her, ran away from her, mocked her and made her feel like she wasn’t important. Too many times we don’t listen to the voice of God because we are afraid to rock the boat with people. Funny thing is people cannot save us but sometimes we care more about what they think rather than what God thinks. We don’t attempt to change because it may hurt too bad. We say we are trying to do right but using the cliché as a crutch to delay what needs to be done. Believe me I can say these things in truth because I have been there!!! The lady didn’t listen to the voice of the people that day.

When things go bad in our lives it is easier to sometimes place the blame on others. It’s easier to be angry rather than deal with the hurt, it’s easier to close someone out rather than work things out, and it’s easier to shut down on life when you keep coming to a fork in the road that is going to make you take a path that maybe you don’t want to take. When things don’t work out the way we plan....when we're handed loss while we are hoping for luck...when someone or something we love is taken from is...the light goes out of our lives. We're lost, not understanding the calamity that has swept through our lives and dumped us in some dark place far from hope. When hardships hit, when our heart breaks, of course we grieve for what we've lost. But in our sadness lets resolve to learn through our grief, through our anger, through our questions, through our hardships. Ask God what he's trying to teach us through these seasons in our life. The answer won’t always be immediately clear. Sometimes we may not realize till weeks or even years later what God was teaching is in our time of trial. We need to let our heartache send us into Gods loving embrace, knowing that HE WILL MAKE A WAY!!!!

I love these next few lyrics of this song. It’s been with me all day.

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way

your life
u don’t try
to live it right
because nothin ever changes everything remains the same
u don’t know how u make it every day

well I desire
to see u livin right
because the way u live today I’m sorry but I gotta say
your life is headed straight down the drain

you tell me that your tryin to keep it tight
but u can’t even tell wrong from right
walk round with your head up high
actin like u got nothin to hide
u need to open up your eyes
u need the light and u can’t deny
no more crying
no more tears no more pain, receive eternal life
its yours

take a look
at yourself
tell me
what you see
cant see your own reflection
try to change and nothin happened because u just the way u used to be


well see
u cant change
on your own
u aint got the strength
and the only way u can
is because he became a man and
he’s the one whose got the master plan


u can’t take it no more
god is knocking at your door
with your face on the hard floor
your heart is beating to look no more
u cry out what am I here for
your head on the floor
I’m lost in war
open your heart and take your life
its yours!!!

Never let him see you when your breaking
Never let him see you when you fall
Thats How We Live
And thats How We Try

Tell The world you've got it all together
You never let him see whats underneath
We cover it up
with the crooked smile
but it only lasts for a little while

there's no such thing as perfect people
there's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed, and be changed
by a perfect God

Suddenly its like a weight is lifted
when you hear the words that you are loved
he knows where you are
and were you've been
and you never have to go there again

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed and be changed
by a perfect God

Who lived, and died, to give you life
to heal our imperfections
so look up, and see love, and let grace be enough

Okay so I am FINALLY home!!! I have been gone for about 2 weeks now in Florida! I had such an amazing and relaxing vacation. So now I am back to reality but so happy to be, I was beginning to get homesick..I’m such a baby but I really loved my vacation time. I have a lot that was going through my mind on this vacation. For me, I thought it was a great time to get away from everything but isn’t it so crazy how it follows you places ...that thing you’re wanting to just forget?!! So instead of pushing it on the back burner every time it came to mind I talked to God about it.

One morning I was sitting on the beach and I found this thing that was weighing on me come to mind. It was a beautiful morning, the waves were just right, the sky was as blue as blue could possibly be and I certainly was not needing this to be brought up at this moment but as I started to push it away it hit me what a better place to just talk to God about this? I was surrounded by beauty I was at the water’s edge and I felt him all around me!!! For awhile I just sat there and soaked it up I was just silent. I felt him just gently nudge me to talk about it...I know sounds weird but God meets us where we are!!! This nudging reminded me of when my mom would try to get me to tell her what was wrong it was a familiar nudging. I was just hurt and I didn’t have much more to explain how I felt other than, Hurt. But as I began to just talk to him about what was going on I began to get angry and then I just felt like I wanted to give a few people a piece of my mind because that’s what would fix it (sarcasm intended lol) But then I realized it was much easier for me to be angry rather than just hurt. Think about it, when you’re hurt you feel sad, hopeless, alone and sometimes a little weary but when you’re angry you feel empowered, you feel strong, and you feel like you have the answers to the problems. I was distracting my true feelings by being angry, I found it easier to be angry than be hurt. I started asking God how do I get rid of this and heal my heart??? I found out I do that by allowing him to do it, Allowing MY GOD to take control and find a way to heal the wounds. I found that MY GOD knows the answers and that I don’t have to keep searching for a healing exercise (I wasn’t really doing that I was just sayin') I found that MY GOD has the ultimate say so, me giving people a piece of my mind he would give those people a piece of his mind that would heal them. I do want them healed, I do want reconciliation, I do want them to have a long life, I do want them to have joy and peace and happiness, and I do want them to be FREE!!!! I want them to be HEALED!!! I realized I have got to give it to God and everyday when I deal with this hurt I have to give it to Him!!!

No matter what happens I want to be healed. I don’t want to have this baggage and I know God is healing my heart and taking away the baggage. I just got to hold on to him and not let go. I have to be able to see when it’s cloudy and to love when it’s hard to show love. That morning I felt the arms of God wrap around me and since that morning I have gotten angry and hurt but told God to take it and to have his way. I’m working on it but I’m not letting go until the end!!!

I've been there a thousand times,
I've felt the rain like a thousand knives.
And it hurts,
I know it hurts!
I've been there like a fighter plane,
Tryin' fly my way through a hurricane.
And it's hard,
I know it's hard!

Don't be afraid,
You'll make it through,
Just call out to me and I'll come running to you!

Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
And your heart beats like thunder.
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over,
And I'll be fighting for you.
Just give me your hand and,
Hold on!

I'll give you hope, I'll give you faith!
And if it's dark, I'll light the way,
For you, for you!
By your side, until the end,
Until you're standing tall again!
I'm here, I'll always be here.
And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea,
When your strength is gone, and it's hard to believe!