WOW!!! Where do I start?? This may take a few more posts to get out whats inside of me lol :)

This past week and a half has been so amazing. Between youth retreats or to sightseeing the BEAUTIFUL city of Chicago!!! I cannot really put into words how I feel but if I had to find one word I don’t think I could lol. God is calling to his people to get ready. We no longer have time to just play around. This generation needs to stop playing games. We need to walk into the destiny and calling God has for us. No more putting it off until tomorrow. We know we are called we know what we have to do but we keep putting it off.

Last week I was a counselor at youth camp and I went there expecting to help teens and I did but God used them to minister to me. We were in service one night and the Holy Spirit just fell and it was soooo tangible. About an hour into the service I just sat back and looked around and was overwhelmed with a sense of joy, hope and healing. As I looked all around a group of boys caught my attention, There was about 13 or 14 boys all praying together and they were not just praying because we told them to they were seeking the heart and face of God. They were doing spiritual warfare for themselves and others. One kid was telling God to “use me I’m here, I’m willing please take all that I have and use it!!! I want to do your will; I want you to bring healing to me, I WANT YOU!!!” I just started weeping. I realized that sometimes I’m not as willing to do what God asks of me as these teens were and I realized at that point that everything I held onto like the hurts, the judgments from people, the anger, the confusion because of the things that have happened just didn’t matter at that moment in time. I had to make a choice at that point to let it go and allow God to take all of those things because they were not worth my freedom!!! Were they important??Absolutely!! But, not as important as my freedom and healing. Do I deal with letting these things go every day?? Absolutely but I will decide to everyday surrender those things and let them go. I began to think about where my life could have been if I would’ve stayed on a road I traveled for a long time. I began to just cry (I’m very emotional lol) and think about what would’ve happened to me if there wasn’t a change and an openness to allow Gods voice to be heard. If not for his Grace I wouldn’t be here today. But I had to come to a point and ask myself. “How bad do I want this?”

We are always taught how we need a relationship with Jesus and we go through the motions of Sunday church service, the youth campouts, the women’s weekend getaway with God or teaching Sunday school and I’m sure the list could go on but out of all those things are we really believing what we say and are we really striving towards what God wants for us?? We always want to ask God all the questions when something seems to be going wrong but HOW BAD DO WE WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS WHEN TIMES ARE GOOD??? We then say we don’t hear from God but from my experience I have found that to hear and understand someone you must have a RELATIONSHIP with them. We cannot just go through the motions of church and think that qualifies us for a relationship with God. In Matthew 6:33 it says “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” That to me shows me that having a relationship with God brings order and understanding to life!! Many people sometimes looks at this as us getting all we want if we read our bible and go to church (seeking his kingdom) But to me this means when I talk to God and seek his face on everything all else will just fall into place. I will have a purpose and destiny will spring forth because I know what God is saying to me!!! So how bad do you want it? How bad do you really want a relationship with God??? We can listen to all the sermons we want and listen to all the praise music we want and we can be brought up in church BUT it’s up to you how your relationship is with God when you ask yourself “How bad do I want this??” Don’t ask for it if you don’t want it. Don’t ask for it out of selfishness because God knows your heart and you can’t hide your true motives from him. But how bad do you want a God who will love on you without a price, how bad do you want to be able to just vent to someone and feel you have an ear to listen, how bad do you want to know you’re calling and destiny?? The choice is up to you, don’t miss out because of fear or hurt believe me it is not worth it!!

These past few days God has shown me purpose and destiny. He has shown me his healing hand and he has also shown me the importance of having that relationship with him. God has loosened the chains I so tightly locked up, and believe me only God can unloosen them because I REALLYYYY tightened them lol I’m not sure of your season you’re in, I’m not sure of how your heart is feeling while you read this and I’m not sure of the things you have gone through but I am definitely for sure that its not too big for God. He never will place more on us than we can handle!!! At times it feels like we are about to break and maybe we are but when we break, life springs forth and something new begins to grow!!! Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom so God can rebuild who we are. It’s not a fun process but it’s much easier when you allow him to have it all and allow him to take your whole life no fears or inhibitions but a willingness to do his will and move forward each and every day!!!

To put all your trust in God. What does that really mean???


I recently read a blog by one of my friends that was simply amazing so check it out!! ( http://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2009/06/no-joy-no-strength-no-faith-no-strength.html ) This blog got me thinking he gave the example of how we say all these things like "The joy of the Lord, is my strength." But is it really??? Is that really where your finding your joy or is your joy you say you have built up hate that you mask with biblical scriptures, Is your real source of joy the paycheck you cash in every Friday at 5pm, or is your source of joy in a boyfriend/girlfriend Yes I know that’s Harsh but let’s just be real we all deal with this. We get in the habit of acting as if we have no problems and we are so perfect. Please no one lives in a Brady bunch world (A.K.A. Perfect world) we deal with things like authenticity every day, we deal with finding Joy where we say we find Joy, We deal with really trusting God like we say we do and we deal with having the faith and believing.

What does it mean to you when you hear the words put all your trust in God??? We put our trust in so many different things and don’t get me wrong, we should have the ability to trust others and to know when it’s right and when you need to balance your feelings. But how in the world do we really trust God with all that we have???


First I believe we have to surrender. We have to give it all to God and when we do that and take it to God we have to leave it at his feet. Don’t pick it up and take back a few pieces that we may not be ready to let go of. I had things that I had to let go of and I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt because it hurts but it’s not as bad as I thought and I believe that is because I surrendered it to God and didn’t hold back anything. I was scared to surrender it all because what if it doesn’t work out how I thought (Us humans, have that thing where we think we know better than God..Crazy huh??) . I never understood how I could really trust God with ALL I had!!! I just agreed with that saying. I never meant to just say it but after so many years I think it’s healthy to check yourself and make sure you’re being real and meaning what you say. But to trust someone you have to go through a process of building a relationship right?? So to build that relationship you have to have communication you talk to that person about your feelings, your fears, your dreams, your hurts etc. As time goes on that relationship usually grows and gets deeper, you come to a place where you really trust them and feel like you’re able to share everything with this person. It’s easy to believe them when they say “I got your back” We believe what they say and trust that they will do what they say. So why do we trust people and surrender our problems to them but find it hard to really surrender to God.


I’ve realized lately that when we do surrender to God that is when our complete healing can begin. We cannot only let go of a few things and the other things put on the back burner to deal with when “we feel like it” Will we find healing when we do that? Of course but I’m not for sure you can really heal completely until you surrender all you have and allow God to take control of your life not just the areas you feel he has access too. Now, that is all opinion so you may have a different view and that’s ok. For me though I’ve found out that to surrender means everyday making that choice. It’s not a one time deal and your set your whole lifetime. I believe it’s a daily decision you make. In this season in my life when I start feeling sad or angry about certain things I have got to make that decision to take It to God and have him deal with it because if not I’m tore up the rest the day and my mind is distracted. It’s an everyday decision I have to make and some days I feel a little stubborn and the control freak in me tries to rise up lol.

We must remind ourselves of s very basic truth. Our faith source is Jesus. He is the author of our faith. He is the giver of our faith. I am not nor is anyone else!!!

I didn’t mean to do it. The most tragic words someone will say we all hear this at a time or another. We have most likely used this line in our life. Sometimes our intentions are good but whatever that is in us sometimes will rise up. When you have to say these words it means you have taken some action that you took and the thing you didn’t expect to happen did happen. God gives us different relationships that are meant to last throughout life but too often we end up ruining those relationships that were meant to last. We sometimes don’t realize the damage we have done until it’s too late. Your words can cause so much damage to a relationship. Even though someone apologizes over and over they can never take back the words that they said or didn’t say. It has collateral damage. How do you not cover up your hurts?? We often say "It doesn’t matter” but inside we have rage and pain but we try to hide it but the problem is one day it will all come out. So how do we prevent ourselves from hiding the hurts??? I’m on this new thing about letting things go but for me it’s sometimes easier to get mad and let it go because when you’re mad you think it won’t hurt as bad. At the time it probably won’t hurt but down the road it will catch up with you until you deal with it.

Psalm 27:13-14 (The message)

“I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with God! Take heart. Don't quit. I'll say it again: Stay with God.”

God doesn’t want us sitting in our suffering sulking in our sorrow. Yes take the time to mourn a loss or cry it out so you’re not holding it all in but be able to move on and allow God to heal this place. Where I am now I cannot stay here because I am more than a conquer. I may have to go through a hard time but God will be with me while I’m going though it but He won’t put more on me than I can handle. God will work something good out of this.

Psalm 33:22 (The message)

“We're depending on God; he’s everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got— that's what we're depending on.”

Our expectation is not always in God. And so we will always be devastated if we have our hope in something that’s shaky. This sets us up for failure. Expect God to do it, it is insulting to God when we place all our hope in people. People will hurt us. You can’t be in a relationship without being hurt. They are human. We have human nature. Someone else should NEVER be responsible for our Joy!!!! Why do we place that on people??? We look to other people when God is wanting us to look to him. I want to be a prisoner of hope. Someone who still has hope in God even when everyone leaves or when it looks like our situation will never get better. I want to move forward because Of the Hope God has given me not man. This is how I feel right now and I think that it’s ok because I’m getting it out and now that I have a little but more of the emotions out I can allow God to heal that place.

A young girl growing up it was hard to adapt
I felt like every other girl was given life with a map
They seemed to know where they were going
I didn't know jack, I had to play it cool never let them see where I'm at
But baby girl got tired and all the boys were liars and they were always getting at me
You see I tried hard to remove all the scars
But I could never see my dreams they were always too far
Dreams of being free dreams of being able to see
I dreamt a man loved me cause I wasn't scared to be me
I saw a life where every woman had respect for herself
And every little girl would run and ask her mommy for help

I'm not afraid to write a song that exposes my pain
I lived my life backwards so when it poured it rained
But I got through the weather now I'm changing the game And dreaming remains the source of everything we proclaim

My heart hurts tonight. I'm having to let go of some things and people who I have held near to my heart and had a great love for. If I was to put into words why my heart hurt I couldn't do that its an unexplainable feeling. I feel like I wasted my time. I forgive but its just hard to forget. How does someone forgive and forget??? I never understood that. I want to forget because when I remember it, It makes me sad and angry and then this huge snowball effect of emotions starts tumbling down and before you know it your talking to Ben & Jerry. I'm taking a giant leap of faith and while taking this leap I'm wondering how do I fully let go??? Why do I have to let go??? Am I supposed to let go??? I don't know the answers and some of them not sure I'm ready to know the answers but for me to heal and just move forward I have to let go. I hate being wrong. Im just stubborn in that way, I don't like feeling like I was not important or was a toy. I wish we could erase memories because it wouldnt hurt as bad but we cant and so now we have to learn to give it God and leave it when we take it to him. I also like feeling like I have control over a situation and if its going bad I wanna be able to fix it but this time my hands are up I'm tired of trying to fix things. Things I have no control over. So not a very long post but had to get out how I was feeling. I'm learning to let go and move on. Doesn't matter who is wrong. Why they did it or why they didnt do something. Its over.

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Song Words by Artist / Band : Francesca Battistelli
Song Lyrics Title : I’m Letting Go
Taken from Album : My Paper Heart

Hi friends :) Tonight is one of those nights where I have SO MANY different things I want to talk about. I have all these topics and I cannot for the life of me pick one so I’m just going to speak on what I am feeling right now. Over these last few months a lot of things seem to be shifting in my life. I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad, I’ve been mad, I’ve been confused, I’ve been excited, I’ve been proud but at times I also felt a little empty. Tonight a word was spoken at church and it brought all of these feelings up. So I had a long ride home to think on what was said and what I’ve been feeling and then had a family talk over coffee and whatever else we could find to eat or drink lol

We were talking about why we think the church is sometimes given the stereotype as “Hypocrites” and why people who have left the church and don’t attend anymore say it’s "because they were hurt by “church people" I’ve always argued the point that throughout my years of being in the church I have been hurt a lot. I’ve been let down, done wrong and disappointed but I also know that church people are still human. We are not some robot who is programmed to perfection!!! Come on let’s just be real for a minute. We as Christians mess up just like everyone else but there is forgiveness and mercy and love IF we have a REAL RELATIONSHIP with God. Because when we do not have a strong foundation of God it is easier to walk away from church and a relationship because it wasnt rooted. Otherwise, we look for mercy and forgiveness from our friends of course these are needed but when the friends are put on a pedestal higher than God there needs to be some rearranging. Like everyone else we can be hypocrites sometimes too. BUT for me, I will not keep this stereotype alive. I’m not going to be another statistic of people in the church who are hypocrites or people who walked away from God because of the church. How dare we put the church as a meter to our relationship and trust in God. I feel like in my life right now I’m kinda alone. I have people around me but not feeling surrounded. I don’t believe it’s my friends fault but I believe this is a season where God is calling me to draw near to him. That no matter what happens with people that I will not be moved. I didn’t think I was ever one of those “people” who seem to find my happiness in the people who surrounded me with. I think it’s perfectly natural to find joy in your friends I mean what kind of friendship would it be if there was no joy?!!? But I’m speaking about finding joy when no one else is around. I’m speaking about finding rest when people have walked out. I’m speaking about finding your strength when no one is beside you holding you up. I’m speaking about feeling love when no one is showing you. I’m speaking about feeling the authenticity of God when everything around you seems artificial. And don’t get me wrong I’m not just speaking about the 4 walls of a church I’m talking about in everyday life with everyday people, I hate to break it to people but this problem is not just in the church but it’s not just in the world either.

I’ve always said that I know who I am no one can move me on that. I’ve been through a lot and had some rough times but always said because of those things it made me who I am. I believe it did but do I know who it made me??? I know seems like a contradictory statement but think about it. I say “The things I’ve been through made me who I am today” but what happens when you find out after saying that like a rehearsed line for an upcoming play you really don’t know who it has made you??? Who are you really??? I can say that I am a woman with dark brown hair with length that changes frequently as well as a style that changes. I’m 5’3 but in my mind 5’6 lol but that’s not telling you a whole lot you don’t already know is it?? Who am I really?? What am I about? What do I believe what do I not believe? Those are questions I thought I knew so well but these past few weeks Gods allowed me to see that maybe some situations in my life happened and relationships didn’t work out because I didn’t know who I was completely yet. I probably based who I was one who loved me, who wanted to hang, who wanted to have lunch with me. But what happened when those people walked out?? I didn’t know who I was. I now can sit back and say Ok lets figure out me!!! Let’s talk and figure out who I am and be secure in that so that when things come my way I am not moved. I’m not basing my identity on a guy or on a best friend or on a job title the list can go on. But this may seem like I’m rambling and I am but that’s okay!!! Because for me. This is me finding who “me” really is. But its soooo much easier if your source of identity comes from God. My source of joy, my source of trust, my source of security, my source of love, my source of mercy and understanding. God is the same yesterday today and in the future he does not change so if I build the essence of who I am from him I am the same yesterday. Today and in the future I will not be moved. A lot of people who I have met don’t look to God as a loving God but as a lightening striking flood giving beat you when you mess up kinda God. To me, it’s sad and I wish I could do something to make them see he is a God of LOVE!!! He loves you and he will love you better than anyone can. It’s not temporal its an everlasting love who is there through the up’s and the downs and guess what you don’t have to always have it all together for God to love you! Isn’t that amazing? He loves our imperfections because they make us who we are!!!

When you have a scar there usually is a story behind the scar. I have many scars with a story behind them but if I always covered them with makeup or clothes or smiles then you would probably never be honest with yourself which is a key and then never be honest with the people around you who can maybe finding healing in the story of your scars. God wants us to be real with him because when we can’t be real with him we then cannot be real with ourselves and then cannot be real with others. I always felt like my life always seemed to be some open book to the public and it sometimes annoyed me and made me feel just plain angry but I’m learning that it was the best thing for me because I then had nothing to hold back and hide because I was being real. Now am I saying tell every stranger you meet all your flaws and things you’ve done? NO and I think enough of you can read this and find the actual “message” I am trying to give you without me going into detail if not, email me and we’ll have a lil chit chat lol

I know this is long but I want to leave with this thought. Allow God to take the hurts, the disappointments, the sadness , the anger, The _________ (you fill in the blank) and heal you of it because through that healing you will find life, you will find who he says you are!!! You then will have your story to tell someone else so that they can maybe find a source of strength and realize who they are and that they cannot be moved no matter what may come their way. Make God your center. Make God your source of things hoped for and things needed. He won’t let you down !!!

I can see it in his eyes , and he’s been avoiding me all day
It seems as though he wants to cry, and he’s been acting really strange
He starts talkin’ and I tuned him out
It doesn’t matter anyway
Because I knew as soon as I saw clouds
I knew what he was gonna say

Cuz when the tears start flowin’ and the wind starts blowin’
That’s how you know its comin’ for you
When the rain start fallin’ and you feel the pain comin’
That’s how you know its comin’ for you

Just like a hurricane, just like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way
Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and now I’m left with the pain
After the hurricane

Baby I’m not surprised
You said just what I thought you would
And it hurts I ain’t gon’ lie
But it doesn’t hurt as bad as it could

Cuz when the tears start flowin’ and the wind starts blowin’
That’s how you know its comin’ for you
When the rain start fallin’ and you feel the pain comin’
That’s how you know its comin’ for you

Now my life is shattered ,and I’m left to pick up the pieces
And find a new beginning and put it back together again

After the hurricane.....